A Personal Blog
I am driving myself crazy right now, so the best thing I can do, in order to try and work through this. Is to write …
My anxiety is sky high, I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping, I’m consumed by a chain of whirling thoughts, which are totally redliclious in nature.
I’m scratching the skin away on my face until it feels like it is burning and my hands feel like claws, my chest is a maze of uncomfortable knots and I know that I am not in a good place.
Neither am I diagnosed with anxiety, I am not on any medication, I don’t see a doctor or have any medical support regarding the feelings detailed above.
I have a nearly empty bottle of Rescue Remedy and that’s it.
Despite the fact I feel frozen in my mind, I still function normally, if anything I’m more focused and obsessed, because action distracts the mind. I’m a very highly functioning depressive.
It does not halt me to the point of inability. But everything feels like I’m wading through fog, but that fog is only within my head.
These irrational fears claw away at the inside of my skull and I know, somehow, tomorrow, everything will change again and (hopefully) this fog will be lifted.
Ironically, I do not consider myself to actually have depression. I have had depression in the past, true brutal self destructive depression. This is mild by comparison. That is why I choose not to bother any Doctors.
This anxiety is triggered by stress, just as the itchy skin condition that flares up. Because I’m driven by stress, I fear mistakes, I fear judgement, I fear hurting someone else accidentally by my actions. All these fears snowball into a collection of irrational circumstances, which my exhausted mind fixates over and I can’t rest.
I’m Spilling the Tea on myself tonight, not to bother anyone, or to crave pity or demand support. But because I need to get this out my head and into words, I can’t write, because sitting at my desk feels like too much effort, I can’t physically write down these words on paper, so I wanted to create a blog.
I may even delete this once I have calmed down and feel stupid for exposing my weakness in such a public way … but trust me, this helps, it really does.
Once you write it down, you see just how ridiculous it all sounds and how much the mind can play silly games with you when you’re shattered and just need sleep.
Hopefully, everything will be ok tomorrow.
I don’t know ???
But for now, I can at least try to sleep…
Thank you for listening