Vanishing Society

This was once a bustling heart of the community. Now four people are in sight. As teenagers we would hang out for hours, now people eat and go.

We would talk and laugh and play on the pinball, put tunes on the jukebox. Puke in the loo and carry on drinking. Now people are glued to their screens, families barely talking, couples hardly glancing at each other. Or there are those who take photos of food… That has always baffled me…

I think The Macc Lads so eloquently put it once in the 90’s with their charming tune ‘What the fuck have they done to my pub’?! – they don’t make tunes like that anymore!

The final people leave the pub and I’m aware that it’s not even 7:30pm the staff look bored, I’m near the end of my drink and have no conclusion for this little tale.

Just a girl alone in an empty pub, enjoying memories of a by gone age and wondering where society has vanished to?

Movie Musings

Can you apply modern social standards to older films?

… and I’m not talking old black and white vintage films, I’m talking 1994 comedy – this is less than 30 years old, but it hasn’t aged well by today’s standards.

I’m a Gen X – I have a soft spot for Bill & Ted, Austin Powers and Police Academy films. So when I spotted Ace Ventura (Pet Detective) in the local lending library – aka the Marina Laundrette – I thought I’d enjoy some classic comedy and found myself cringing at just how wrong it feels to enjoy it so much!

Firstly you have a Dolphin in a small tank performing tricks for the SuperBowl – animal rights

Secondly Ace drives with a broken windshield and no seat belt – health and safety

Ace pretends to be mad to get into an asylum – mental health stigma

And our main antagonist is a man pretending to be a woman who has suffered a psychotic breakdown and is bent on revenge… There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to start, but let’s just say that upon discovery of their gender being male – the ‘Crying Game’ theme is played out in the background and the reaction of the other men is derogatory (to say the least).

Also, if you don’t know the Crying Game – check it out – this also paints a stark picture of how the world has changed.

There’s possibly more awkward moments in Ace Ventura that I’ve missed along the way, casual racism, objectifying women comes into mind along with stereotypical characters that a cringe worthy. I wonder how it would look if it was remade today and I wonder why I feel so guilty for enjoying this little trip back into memory lane…

One Week Later…

Having had time for reflection

I’ve decided that at times your own mind can also be your own worst enemy. Finding thoughts to cling onto, obsess over and churn around like a washing machine on a spin cycle.

Sleep is disrupted by the head constantly living a daydream life to combat all this chaos and create a false illusion of perfection, when you know full well that thought and action are two very different creatures.

I think I was on the right track earlier on in the year with the habits / habit tracker and that I ended up hating the whole process because I failed to add variety, so that maybe one step forth into battling this slump.

Also! Kitty cuddles definitely help! But I also need to help myself, I am in a much better place that last week and perhaps next week will also see an improvement.

For now, I’ll continue to question everything and hopefully find some focus through this mayhem.

The morning after the night before

Still Wriggling

Mood ain’t great, feel like I’ve been run over my an emotional steamroller and I think that a collection of shit that I figured I was handling well, well that simply became a little too much and tipped me from my comfort zone and into a head space I thought I was long rid of.

So, currently there’s only one direction to go from here – up!

And writing helps, it’s my safe space to express myself when I can not talk to others. Though I might be vague blogging, the act itself is comforting and I know that I have quite a bit of work to do on myself, for myself.

Cat hasn’t left my side all night, I often wonder how they know that you need their company, deep rumbling purrs and head rubs. That helps too.

I still have the urge to run away and start again from scratch. But I can’t run away from myself, so I’m just going to have to make peace with my darkness and help her help herself.

I wish

This is going to be dark – advance warning!

I’m not in a good place right now and that’s OK because life ain’t perfect, shit happens and you move on, get on, carry on with the next day like nothing has happened, like nothing is wrong – because no one cares anyway.

I wonder, seriously, who would even notice my absence if I ran away, vanished, disappeared or died?

I can’t remember the last time I felt so low, but it was over a decade ago. I reached out for help and upset the wrong person. My actions lead to nothing really, nothing because I was wrong, so wrong.

I thought I was over this, but this never really goes away, it’s haunted me since teen years ans I’ve always escaped help – like I was never worthy.

Don’t worry, this isn’t serious, this is just a blip. Next week everything will be shiny and happy once more. But for now I’m going to crash and just accept this as just another facet of myself…

Normal service will resume soon

Reality Check


I like to think that there are still some real people out there on the Internet, writing from their heart to connect with like minded souls, to inspire with their words and build relations throughout the world…

Then… Then there is the spam bots, the replies that are automated with the ‘promote it on’ (insert dodgy link here) or the outrageous ‘I owe my fortune to (insert dodgy link here) to become an overnight millionaire’

The Internet has become an exhausting version of banging you head against a brick wall… So this little message is for you, the real humans out there that have also experienced the ‘I can’t post nudes here but (insert dodgy link here)’ those that remember a day when you could have an intellectual convention without trolls reverting to personal attacks. This is for you that have experienced this and all the rest of the Spam… I’m listening, I’m reading, I’m still writing and wading my way through the bullshit to reach people I consider my friends…

Stay shiny beautiful people!!!

And don’t forget the emojis 🙌

Day 17

Research frustration

Do you ever feel like the internet is designed to dumb us down? Do you remember the days when you would research a subject and find rich fact filled articles with several pages of interesting information to digest and muse over. Now articles are a mere paragraph long and interrupted with persistent adverts, pop up’s, permissions, cookies and redirections to other sites to sign up for something that you weren’t even looking for in the first place.

I’m looking for the history of an old arcade machine – my best discovery so far was written in 2014 and had a mere 100 words – hardly inspiring or interesting. Is information being with held from us? Are we literally being herded to social media pages and shopping sites – Where is all the interesting information hiding? I’m tempted to visit a library, seek out a book – an encyclopedia even – But have you visited a library recently? Are there any still in existence?

Last time I visited a library there was some creepy guy looking at soft porn – someone asleep – someone eating a pot noodle under a sigh that said ‘No eating or drinking in the Library please’ – a handful of loud students and staff – I could not find what I was looking for and was directed instead to Wikipedia!

To yet another scrap of vague information drowned in advertising and click bait beauty tricks or get rich quick schemes. I think if the Library of Alexandria had survived, chances are now it would be a Starbucks!

Internet Ad Quotes. QuotesGram

Day 16

Juggling Act

I don’t always write every day, I’m not obliged to and trying to force myself to do something on a daily basis, just didn’t work out for me – I tried – I failed – my chaotic mind resisted such order and made me reset positive habits.

So I just take each day at a time, yesterday was a rest day and that is fine too. Today I feel more inspired to continue creating a mess once I’m home and have various projects to sink my teeth into.

With Halloween upon the horizon I’m starting to feel a glowing anticipation of what Halloween goodies I can find in various shops that can be adapted and modified for my morbid creations. I have a good idea of what I’m looking for, but I am always disappointed with the quality and range of Halloween products in the UK compared to what is available in the US… I have Halloween envy…

But, because the products here in the UK are shite at best, that means I have no guilt in taking them apart, cutting off limbs and re-creating something new and more macabre.

I also just love this time of year, seasons are changing, the Robin has started to return to the bird feeder and the early mornings are gripped with a low hanging mist which gives the day a surreal element.

Maybe it was because I was born around this time of year? Maybe it’s because I myself am strange and mysterious? That I feel inspired and at peace with myself.