For someone who writes every day, you would think it would be easy just to pick up my distopian tale I started weeks ago and let slip slide away as my brain got distracted by shiny things and a little dip which needed addressing… But No…I’m posting pictures of Dragons with Cheese, because I feel like a Dragon hording Cheese – seeing as my fridge is full of cheese. This is nonsense and a cunning distraction from the fact that I’ve got horrible writers block when it comes to fiction.
I’m trying to write in a genre that I’m unfamiliar with and my mind is screaming at me to return to Fantasy (must be the Cheese Dragon) I’m reading Fantasy, I role play in this genre, the plots and plans of epic Fantasy campaigns haunt my dreams … and I wonder why I’m struggling to write Sci-Fi *mumbles*
I can ‘see’ in my mind the next scene, I can even ‘hear’ my characters next words – But getting it from the brain to the screen – just feels impossible.
Granted, I have given myself some writing space to clear up a few issues in my mind and this works, happily – in that respect a fog has lifted and I feel far more at ease with myself… But the cheese in my cheese has taken over the cheese in my cheese and I’m finding myself distracted by the need for grapes. So with that nonsense in mind, I’m going to print off the first four parts to re-read and edit – dig up a few old notes and go from there – hopefully without the current cheese obsession.
Just recently I have been using my little blog as a safe place to discuss how I have been feeling in regards to the forthcoming anniversary of loosing Mum. This have proved to be a valuable gift for me to help me to understand my emotions by using the medium of writing. I found my own form of conclusion and I am at peace with myself for once, but today, I’m not writing about myself. Today, I’m going to share something I read recently which spoke to my soul and created logic from the chaos that grief can induce.
I have experienced the death of my father, my sister, and my first love in the past few years and feel that I have some communication with them, mostly through dreams. They are helping me. Are you and Susie feeling that your son Arthur is with you and communicating in some way?
CYNTHIA, SHELBURNE FALLS, VT, USA
This is a very beautiful question and I am grateful that you have asked it. It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable. There is a vastness to grief that overwhelms our minuscule selves. We are tiny, trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence. It occupies the core of our being and extends through our fingers to the limits of the universe. Within that whirling gyre all manner of madnesses exist; ghosts and spirits and dream visitations, and everything else that we, in our anguish, will into existence. These are precious gifts that are as valid and as real as we need them to be. They are the spirit guides that lead us out of the darkness.
I feel the presence of my son, all around, but he may not be there. I hear him talk to me, parent me, guide me, though he may not be there. He visits Susie in her sleep regularly, speaks to her, comforts her, but he may not be there. Dread grief trails bright phantoms in its wake. These spirits are ideas, essentially. They are our stunned imaginations reawakening after the calamity. Like ideas, these spirits speak of possibility. Follow your ideas, because on the other side of the idea is change and growth and redemption. Create your spirits. Call to them. Will them alive. Speak to them. It is their impossible and ghostly hands that draw us back to the world from which we were jettisoned; better now and unimaginably changed.
With love, Nick.
For me – There is nothing more I can add expect … I wept *finally* I actually wept …
Doing that random thing where you absently scroll through old photos seeking something in particular, which you totally forget about as you delve deeper into old forgotten memories – I stumbled across these three little treasures.
I’m sharing these, because, at times we get so wrapped up in what we can or can’t do that we simply forget what we have managed to achieve.
This is a mini reminder that I can and I did – so what can I do next?
Nearly forgot to write today, had one of those days where I’ve been offline but I can’t tell you what I’ve been up to as its nothing significant, just bitting and bobbing. Helping and listening a few chores and being kind to myself. Not bad for a Sunday.
That focus I was craving earlier in the week appears to be manifesting with a calm mind. My skin condition is also slowly healing and looking/feeling better. I’m even finding Christmas easier to bare.
So all that writing and soul searching has really helped, she says hopefully, but life is not always a clear paved path and dips can make one stumble from time to time.
While things are feeling calmer, I’m learning to appreciate gratitude instead of taking things for granted and feeling hyperactive.