Oops…

It was bound to happen one day…

Yes, I was half way through a blog (The previous ‘back at my desk’ post) which I was unhappy with, gave up, figured I’d just try and re-word it another day…

And I apparently hit ‘Publish’ instead of ‘Delete’… Yes, I am that dipsy and even more so, I’ve only just realised my mistake.

Well that didn’t go according to plan, but no matter, I’m sure it’s no different from my usual mind babble that I unleash upon my page.

I am hoping that now I’m back at work and I’m able to access WordPress from the website instead of the naughty App which doesn’t like me. That I will be able to post a little more with a little more structure and (hopefully) organisation, instead of the mad ramblings of an insomniac, but don’t hold your breath.

However, I should be able to post some images of my various creations (you have been warned)…

Anyway, apologies for publishing instead of deleting… That wasn’t weird at all…

Normal service should resume on Monday, until then, stay shiny you beautiful people xx

Back at My Desk

Reality Check

Three hours back at work and I’m ready for a holiday! There is something so surreal about being back to normal, when normal doesn’t really feel normal anymore. It’s took me ages to try and get my head back into doing what I used to do without thinking, now I’m needing to think about what I’m doing to trying to remember all the right settings.

Almost like starting a new job again, except everything is the same. Ironically I have tomorrow off after my first day back and I think I could do with the rest!

But aren’t you bored?

Lock Down Accomplishments – for people who keep asking me if I have been bored off work…

  • Assembled and painted Games Workshop Morathi figures, plus Nighthaunts and Banshees.
  • Assembled vinyl kit model of a life sized Chestburster.
  • First leather journal.
  • 10 beeswax candles.
  • Second leather journal.
  • 2 reclaimed notebooks turned into junk journals.
  • 10 more beeswax candles.
  • 2 mini (A6) junk journals.
  • Reclaimed three more old notebooks into junk journals.
  • Cowrie shell necklace.
  • Three sea themed friendship bracelets.
  • A Travellers Notebook style journal made from scraps.
  • A dinosaur mobile.
  • A fairy door.
  • Another reclaimed notebook.
  • Resin jewellery… approx 30 steampunk pendants.
  • More bracelets upon request.
  • Two soy candles.
  • Three more dinosaur mobiles.
  • 14 more sea themed friendship bracelets.
  • A howling wolf painting – rigged up with led lights so the stars would illuminate in the picture.
  • Learnt Coptic binding.
  • Made a miniature Travellers Notebook from scraps.
  • Learnt how to make Zines.
  • Learnt how to make a zig-zag notebook.
  • Learnt how to make junk travellers notebook style inserts.
  • Made a chunky junk journal from an old box.
  • Made second Travellers Notebook style journal from scraps.
  • Made yet another junk journal from scraps.
  • Custom made a folder to fit a Rocket Book.
  • Made two A5 Notebooks using tape binding.
  • Made a set of three junk journals using Tim Holtz lettering for covers.
  • Made a narrow A5 book with a raised tree design for the cover.
  • Made a fully customised composition box – designed to look like a book on the outside yet inside is decorated like a Witches cupboard  (also illuminates).
  • And an art journal.

I wanted to make this list for my own reflection really,  I keep feeling like I’ve been wasting my time as if time not working is time not being productive,  when work alone doesn’t actually account for all your productivity.

I also get people asking me (a lot) if I’m bored and the truth is,  I’ve not found the time to get bored… but I’ve tried to talk about how bookbinding has developed into a passion, how I would like to learn more, do a course, learn Marbling for my inner sheets, learn gold foiling and leather crafting. I feel like I’m only scratching the surface of this skill and sadly no one wants to listen. Conversations at the most resolve around the virus, how bored they are and occasionally the weather.

So I felt deflated and disheartened as though everything I made was pointless, until I made the above list, looked back upon how much I have learnt since that very first leather journal, how much I have yet to learn and, no, I have not been bored at all.

Boat Life

Space and Motion

Upon my daily walks, I have found that I am getting increasingly bad land wobbles. Being at home since March and still at home as the College is closed means that the majority of my hours are on water.

Boats move, constantly, mostly while active or distracted, I’m unaware of this sensation. When the weather is bad, the winds high. There’s a more distinct pull and sway.

Lean over from the bed to reach my coffee and I can watch the movement of my boat match my movement within.

Some people find this disconcerting and refuse to visit. I find it soothing, over the 7 years on board, I have come to love the motion.

Indeed, when away from home, I find it difficult to sleep, for the ground isn’t moving and it doesn’t feel right.

Prelonged time upon the water, at home, with the constant flow of the water and pull of the wind means that I am now finding land tricky…

I have dizzy spells, my legs still feel like I’m moving my centre of gravity appears clumsy and I loose my balance.

I can only imagine this is how sailors feel after a long term at sea, though a more gentle sensation on the river, than the wild waves and strength of the sea.

I go out each day on purpose. For I’m moored near a nature reserve and therefore have vast wide open space available on my doorstep.

For some days I’m so engaged in the creative process that has consumed my time, I become quite entangled in one small confined space. It’s not that I feel claustrophobic in such a small home, but sometimes I feel myself getting overwhelmed by going outside.

The space is perfect for one, my hobbies are my passion while I am unable to explore the world. My legs and my head are going to struggle when it comes to returning to work, returning to the solid unyielding earth under my feet.

In time the land wobbles will cease but for now my daily walks are amusing stumbles and the majority of my days are wrapped in a small area, comforted by the eb and flow around me.

Acceptance

A few comforting thoughts…

  • Not everyone has got their shit together and there’s nothing wrong with that.
  • Comparison is the root of insecurities, there’s no need to judge yourself against another.
  • Opinions change – I am not my opinions – I am open minded to learn.
  • Talk to listen – don’t talk just to reply.
  • ‘If I was you’ is never a good opening line followed by ‘what you need to do’ guidance can be provided without the need to control another’s actions.
  • Be mindful of your words – words hold power – they can lift someone’s entire day or destroy their entire week.
  • Negative words are always horded more than positive comments.
  • Taking time to do nothing is not time wasted if you need to relax.
  • Observation is over shadowed by distractions. Put the phone away from time to time.
  • A spider didn’t choose to be a spider, a spider was merely born a spider – this does not give anyone the right to squish them.
  • Life is unpredictable but it is also fragile and never to be taken for granted.
  • Gratitude is hidden in the small details of the day.
  • Self care is not a chore it’s common sense.
  • Words of encouragement costs nothing and can go a long way.
  • Everyone was a beginner once you don’t need to be an expert to enjoy what you do.
  • Sometimes it’s the most simple things which provide the most joy.
  • Laugh! Laugh freely and out loud – enjoy the sensation of a good loud laugh!

Have a beautiful Saturday, you are loved and you are special…

The Mute Companion

A True Story

Casper was Dad’s cat and even though he was supposed to be rehomed, somehow he ended up staying…

Casper is a silent cat, his eyes say more than Joy’s persistent mewing and Jazz’s amusing squeek.

He used to be so vocal around Dad. But when he lost Dad, he lost his voice and fell silent.

Save for a foot padding purr, Casper has remained silent these last six months…

Until last week, when he came up and sat at my feet, looked up and gave a single forlorn mew.

Naturally he wanted food. But he broke his silence and I near cried. Having not heard his voice in months.

Can animals mourn too? Is Casper’s silence his grief and his new voice his acceptance of me?

Curious creatures cats, I like to believe they’re part spirit, like some element of their soul is related to the fae kin.

I believe they see and hear that which we mere mortals can not.

Casper taps on glass. I think there is something in the reflection that he alone can see.

His single mew a breakthrough.

His expressive eyes have wormed their way deep into my heart and I can no longer re-home him.

He is home.

Stillness

Life on Hold

Solitude is a constant companion and yet I have no concept of loneliness, despite being alone the majority of the time.

I feel in limbo, like floating through the days, watching the birds outside my window scatter seeds.

Days blur, weeks slide by and my whole world is a small bubble.

I’m alone but my mind is loud. Yet for a long while words have escaped me.

I feel peace then anxious, fluctuations of emotions flow as the river outside my window.

I dream of escape yet restricted by circumstance, yet wherever I go, there I am.

My mind swims with possibilities, guiding my hand to create crafts.

I am accomplished, though I do not feels productive. I am an enigma to myself.

If I vanish, would anyone know? But where would I go?

I’m tied to me and I am beside myself in my mind I can dream dreams that feel more real than the surreal reality of today.

3:45am

Morning Musings

I’m finding my morning musings to be very useful for me personally to unleash the thoughts that wake me up in the early hours. I’m unsure if this makes for good reading for others, but so many of you could relate to my last post that it helped me understand that I am not alone with this frustration.

This morning I’m feeling so much calmer, the uncertainty has been somewhat diminished and it has been confermed that I will not be returning to work next week as planned. So I’m stocked up, snuggled down and have no reason to leave the Marina for a while.

Being mindful doesn’t cost anything and I’m focused on keeping myself safe and respecting my neighbours yet also willing to aid those who can’t get out and about if need be.

I have my hobbies and boredom is not something that troubles me. I also have a new project in mind and I’ll share that in time. I’m writing each day in my journal and returned to a daily gratitude list, just as I did the 100 days of Gratitude here on the blog last year, I am once again finding this to be a good practice and a way to cut through the anxiety.

Thank you for sharing with me your thoughts and opinions on yesterday’s mornings rant, I understand that we are not alone, if there are others like you and me that are feeling the same than we do not stand alone and hopefully we can support one another in these surreal times, if only by sharing our experiences and thoughts. It feels better to know that I’m not alone.

In other news, I’ve made a totally wild a pointless purchase, for once not related to craft projects, so I’ll share that when it arrives as its ridiculous.

I have some designs in mind for future bookbinding projects and awaiting a gift of old recycled leather to work on these, so my passion there has been rekindled.

It’s perhaps a little too early to get up yet, but it’s lovely to hear the birds outside the hatch starting to greet the day, while there are still a few bat’s skimming across the surface of the water hunting bugs with grace and skill.

A new day dawns as the grey sky lifts to blue and I feel more at ease, but there again, I haven’t checked the News Headlines yet… Perhaps I’ll skip that today in favour of a little peace of mind…

2:45am Thoughts

Because I’m awake again.

And I’m actually scared, I’m in a location that is struggling with many rising cases of this virus and I am worried about my friends and neighbours. I’m worried this is the start of something more serious and the thought of popping out for cat food in the morning is actually causing a little anxiety.

It is highly unlikely that I will be returning to work next Tuesday and even though this means I have a chance to make more things, I was quite looking forward to getting back to work.

I have been following headlines and for a while now I have found myself feeling increasingly ashamed to be English and the frustration I have with people is steadily growing. We have seen a rise in ‘idiot activities’ as though people simply don’t care anymore and just want the pubs to open.

I feel, come Friday, that those of us in Leicester will be simply sat at home, watching the rest of the country go on an almighty piss up and I dread the chaos this is going to cause.

With packed beaches, packed protests, packed illegal parties and packed football crowds throughout other parts of England people have disregarded social distancing without a care and I’m feeling like this is a face palm moment that’s only going to trigger more outbreaks like we have here in Leicester.

I think this is the first time I’ve really poured forth my fears around current events and yet as the news starts to directly impact my home city, I’m thinking we are going to be safer here in lock down than the 1.5 million predicted to hit the pubs on Friday.

I’m going to pick up some supplies in the morning, cat food and such and withdraw back into my bubble, checking for updates from work and skimming over headlines.

First time I’ve felt really frightened and it’s not the virus I’m frightened of, it’s people wanting to go out and get pissed and the knock on effect this is going to have.

How many people are simply going to leave Leicester and drive elsewhere for a pint, carrying with them this bug and making matters worse. How do you stop people simply heading to Nottingham or another nearby city that’s not locked down, because the need for a pint is stronger than the need to be safe.

I feel like I am in limbo and I am watching all this mayhem slowly unfold before my eyes and the disbelief of people’s attitude makes this feel all the more surreal.

I don’t know what is going to happen over the next couple of weeks but I hope that pouring my tattered thoughts down on my page may ease my sleep a little… She says hopefully…

With Love

Stay Safe you beautiful people