Terrifying Technology

Out of my Comfort Zone

I have a new phone – I am hereby confused. AND … It gets worse!

My Tablet is nearly 7 years old, I was told in the shop that I was due an upgrade 5 years ago! (oops) I wasn’t going to bother to replace it, even now, but the edges of the screen are slowly starting to turn a misty purple in colour, so I have been presented with a new one from my mobile provider – I’m not intimidated by technology at all – BUT … I’ve not got it out of the box yet …

Spent what feels like half a lifetime trying to get my new phone set up as I’d like it, and it still feels uncomfortable – it does a whole bank thing reader fingerprint thingy whotsit nope … Brain hurts …

Anyway! If you think that is bad – My old Sony stereo from the 90’s has finally died (volume broken) – My external DVD drive is frozen (internal one died last century) – And my own battered laptop (which I only use for watching DVD’s) likes to turn it’self off at random – I have had this for 7 years too and it was second hand when I had it…

So I want to replace my laptop and I just want something simple to play DVD’s and CD’s and store photos (perhaps new speakers) … And I don’t know where to start? I mean I’m bewildered by new phone – intimidated by my new tablet and appear to be stuck in a different era technology wise …

I think half my old tech is worthy of a museum display!

Rediscovering Self

A sense of identity.

Do you know who you are? When you feel like you have lost who you are, do you try to recreate yourself or rediscover yourself? Or are we all constantly shifting and changing as our life flows?

I’m back in the UK two weeks and already my urge to spread my wings and travel once more is overwhelming. I wonder how some people just simply sell up, start travelling and simply go with the flow? I’m tempted to do the same, but I’m not really that brave. Preferring the security net of a travel company behind my ass for safety and finances are always limited …

… So between adventures, between saving … I’m sat with myself, trying to learn who I am again, while also juggling the mundane with the fluid emotions of grief.

Conclusion: I’ve brought myself some Roller Skates!

Perhaps this is a mid-life crisis? Although it’s not exactly a motorbike or steamy affair – I’ve decided to throw all caution to the wind, to get myself something I have been longing for for a while and reestablishing a childhood passion with an adults lingering desire to be fit!

They turned up yesterday and it rained! I tried them on, they fit beautifully, I scooted around on the carpet (not ideal) but the sensation of glee was overwhelming – Inspired – I set up my Scooter for a run too and then paused to consider these ridiculous purchases…

How much do you find that your actions are restricted by wondering what strangers will think of you?

I got my Scooter in January and haven’t had the chance to try it out yet and already I’ve got myself something as equally childish to play with … Thankfully the paths around the lakes have been nicely refurbished, creating the most ideal surface for both my lovely new toys – right on my doorstep… Now, here is the real challenge – to go from my doorstep, walk three minuets and scoot or skate in a most very public place in a most very awkward way, as someone with zero experience for so many years. Yet how can you gain new experience without first crossing the safety barrier of your comfort zone and be prepared to fall on your ass in public.

Perhaps its easier to hide myself away, waste my hours trolling YouTube watching other people live lives while gorging on junk food and feeling steadily more frustrated by my own inactivity… Than facing public ridicule doing something I enjoy in a humble attempt to improve my life?

Perhaps I wont know the answer until it stops bloody raining long enough to venture out of my comfort zone? I’ve already decided to get my BMX out of storage and to do it up in the spring … I just need to let go of this fear of judgment I carry and embrace the child within – Who knows – maybe one day I will also replace my skateboard too …

An Unexpected Day Off

Which is why I’m spamming your feed with my mindless chatter!!

Any UK readers here will know that it’s impossible to ignore the recent violent storms, heavy rainfall and subsequent flooding.

So, I was rudely awoken at 1:50am by the cat at my face … half asleep I grumble it’s too early for breakfast … then I’m aware of loud running water *thank you cat* turns out that the lake at the back of the marina has totally over flowed, no footpath, no ditch, no road as the overflow pipes are even submerged and there is a nice dramatic waterfall where the pilings should be. My pontoon is completely under water and I’m like 4′ away from the bank and the flood water is still flowing through from the lake.

Therefore I have an unexpected day off work, happily it’s half term and reasonably quiet, my manager is off until Wednesday anyway and I still have plenty of TOIL hours to use. Which is handy in a situation where you’re just bobbing about, waiting for the water to subside, while all the time listening to the rapid flow of running water and constantly fighting the urge to wee…

I still need to be vigilant, of safety checks, ropes and keep an eye on that over flow. I had to rescue one of the cats in the night (the one with three legs, who can’t jump so far) so I ended up soggy and cold. She’s asleep now, drama forgotten and I’m left with a spare day to myself, one pair of sodden trainers and a mental note to buy some wellies!

Collecting Gossip

… for Dad

So Dad was a major curtain twitcher, loved to watch the world go by and was incredibly observant to details. Living at the Marina in such a small close knit community presented itself with many an opportunity for gossip.

We would share information and rumours between us, safe in the knowledge that it was safe between us. I don’t know why Dad loved a bit of gossip so much, but it was good fun, fishing for information and enjoying a bloody good natter.

I miss that – I wanted to ring Dad as soon as I landed to tell him everything. Instead I had an empty hotel room and a lukewarm coffee.

Picked up some lovely juicy gossip yesterday that he would have delighted in … I didn’t realise how much I shared with him, until he was gone.

I’m thinking of putting together a little notebook ‘texts to tell Dad’ then realised that if anyone found it, I’d look like a creepy spy … not a good image in a small community …

Perhaps this is why I’ve been feeling so bitter recently? (Which really *really* does not suit me) clearly I need to purge myself of gossip!

Being Bitter, just doesn’t suit me…

Accepting my faults

I don’t usually have a rant, but I had a rant and that rant, though at the time it felt good to get shit off my chest, in reflection it felt bitter and that’s not like me.

Must have been having a bad day, or just feeling extra sensitive and needed to unload. However I feel that my entire rant was brought upon by my own silly insecurities, because I wanted to write a travel blog but I felt uncomfortable writing a travel blog (because of issues I addressed) so I ranted instead of just writing anyway. Making myself appear bitter and passive aggressive. *Bad Anne*

So, we are not all without our faults and I feel faulty for ranting. I accept that I might have needed to rant, therefore accepting my faults.

Which I have plenty.

Being faulty doesn’t make you a bad person, only human.

Discarding Shame

The concept of Guilt and Privilege

It wasn’t that long ago that I quite literally had £30 a week to live on … That had to include Laundry Tokens, Bus Fayre, Electric Card, Food and Coal … Basically I was living hand to mouth and with help (as always) from Dad. …Fast forward a few years and I have cleared off all those old debts which were swallowing up my salary and I am living, not a rich (financially) life, but a comfortable – I’ll never be rich, I enjoy travelling too much – I spend months scraping together loose change and what I can save, working over time, selling old clutter… Anything I can to fund my next trip…

Yet still I get made to feel guilty, plagued with shame and having the privileged label slapped in my face – So much so, I have withdrawn from Social Media and feel dreadfully restrained from sharing holiday photos or details of my travels… Because others have issues with how I spend my own money and what I do with my own time.

Why?

Biting comments like ‘It’s alright for you’ … ‘oh if only I could’ … ‘you’re always away’ … There is a catalogue of passive aggressive remarks which are unnecessary hurtful and bitter.

But I am not responsible for your life – your finances – your life choices – I do not judge others – why do others feel the need to judge me? You don’t know where I have come from to get here or how hard I work to create a life I love…

So I’m going to cast off this shame, I refuse to let other people make me feel guilty for creating a comfortable life – I try to be generous – I still have to budget wisely (ish) and save hard. I don’t need to carry a guilt which isn’t mine. I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to do this? I don’t know what life have in store for me, I don’t know what my fate will be… But while I am able to explore and travel, I will, with freedom and a strong habit of getting totally lost in train stations…

I’m not sure how travel Bloggers / Vloggers put up with such negativity, I mean, I don’t even consider myself that will travelled, but neither do I want to find myself restricted by others attitude.

Perhaps this rant might appear a little passive aggressive of me too? I don’t mean to come across sour – I enjoy what I do and I long to share, without arrogance … just simple excitement …

Moving On – Without a Safety Harness …

Finding Strength in Peace

2019 was a bitch of a year, not just for myself, but for a lot of people around me. I welcomed 2020 with hope and I still have hope, it just feels like a different kind of hope and I can’t explain what is different about it.

I also realise that I have been using the word ‘Feel’ a lot in my recent scribblings – Like I am using my gut more, trusting my sense of instinct. What ‘feels’ right or ‘wrong’ … One of those sensations was regarding the use of counselling… After trying for so long, so many months to get some form of help – I finally got an appointment …

… Ever get the illusion that after you have fought for something for so hard, for so long, that it would just be the perfect thing you would need to put everything right… Truth is – I couldn’t have been more wrong…

This is just something which isn’t for me, I acknowledge that it is a system which helps so many people struggling out there – but I felt so uncomfortable, so uneasy, even more upset afterwards – that I declined from returning.

I tried – I honestly tried – I thought it would help – but I was wrong.

So here I am, flying by the seat of my pants ‘feeling’ more content alone and finding far more benefit to simply keep writing here.