Questioning my Confidence 

I am feeling lost a little unfocused. 

I see all that accumulates upon my ever growing to-do list 📃 and bury my head.  

I know exactly what I want to do in order to do what I want to do 

But I’m frozen from action 

I sit… Lost… 

I bury myself in chores 

I invent excuses 

I know I can do this,  so why can’t I start?  

I’m frustrated,  sat in class I’ve not studied. It’s always one day,  next day, next week,  month… Year… Never… 

How can I let myself down? How can I discard my dreams?  Lost in an endless circle of scrolling,  getting annoyed at myself for being frozen. 

The inability to start is clouded by a fog of insecurity.  

And I end up questioning my Confidence 
Anne Harrison 30.05.17

Wednesday Wonderings

 

This is me Today

Compliments are a pleasant surprise, I am humbled when I get a lovely message from someone saying how much they have enjoyed reading my work. It doesn’t happen very often and I don’t fish for comments. I just write because I love to write. I already know that it is far from perfect and it’s not destined to be anything more than scribbles on a blog. Because I write for fun, not for fortune, not for fame.

I have a little following here, which is very comfortable, these are my invisible audience, my friends, those I address freely without fear of judgement, for this is my safe haven, my corner of the internet where I can discuss personal thoughts along side fiction and if you’re really unlucky, my dreadful poetry.

Thankfully I have had some lovely comments from friends and strangers alike, which encourage my words, I’m inspired to write and my silly little story flows freely from my mind to the screen, my fingers carefully finding the right letters on the keyboard to create the words I’m thinking… It’s all a weird kinda magic if you think about it…

I wonder how far my words travel, I wonder what inspired people to follow my blog, I wonder a lot… I know that there are countless other writers out there in cyberspace, all seeking an audience, most far superior to my own humble attempts. I read plenty of other blogs with sincere admiration this casts doubt upon my own wild hieroglyphics. I badly need to edit, yet because I write straight from my thoughts, the whole editing process kinda gets sorely neglected. I am wordy, overly wordy, but inspired by Lovecraft (among others) I adore collecting beautiful rolling words and long expressive sentences. The words are there to be used after all..

My Self Doubt is born from a fear of judgement, it follows me throughout various aspects of my life (a significant example is my weight) my self doubt craves approval and security, pacified self doubt is transformed into peace of mind and all this can be turned around by a few kind words… there is so much power in words, they can destroy or they can elate.

I think it’s important to be kind with words to others, for you never know what is hidden under the surface and how the right words might just clear their own clouds of self doubt and ignite smiles…

Maybe one day I’ll face the dreaded editing? There again, maybe that’s not my ultimate goal and I shouldn’t worry so much over what I wonder?

A few ponderings over my lunch-break today to share with you.

 

Love Anne 17.05.17

A whole lotta words

On 26.09.16 I reposted a short story on my blog, on Friday  I wrote part 75, bringing current events to a comfortable  (current) conclusion… With each post being between 300 – 500+ words… that’s a whole lotta words in 9 months… I fell in love with writing at university, yet at the same time the course also shifted my perspective on publishing. I decided that there was no way I could ever be a published author. So I decided a blog was the perfect outlet for my silly little tale, my outrageously terrible poetry and most of all, my blog became my safe haven, to express myself on matters such as overcoming depression to coping with watching my Mother slowly die… Here was my freedom of expression,  where I didn’t need to delete posts because of trolls. My story is fantasy based, has Dragons… nope it’s not influenced by GoT (even if there is an eyeball scene) instead I’m heavily inspired my Michael Moorcock/Anne Rice… I don’t have a hero, my main protagonists were killed really early… oops… My next stage is to jump 14 years ahead… with possibly a few significant scenes before then to include… Ironically, I still personally prefer poetry, but I follow so many wonderful poetry blogs, my words are dumbed into silence. I think, I would like to use the space to explore my adventures, to put my experiences into words, but my characters won’t shut up and demand my attention. I’m taking a little rest from writing, I’m still staggered I’ve wrote so much in just 9 months… maybe this year I’ll actually achieve http://nanowrimo.org 

 

Nobody Cares 

It can take weeks to pick yourself up from the edge of despair. 

Then hidden within kind regards are two simple words… 

‘Nobody Cares’

All kind regards fly into insignificance,  for my mind can only replay two words… 

‘Nobody Cares’ 

The record broken,  lines scratched… Nothing NOTHING else consumes my thoughts like those two words…

‘Nobody Cares’ 

I care

I’m nobody 


Anne Harrison 30.93.17

The Black Boarders Collection

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Soul Brothers

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Ice Waves

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Pure Cleansing

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Sand Waves

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Spirit Soaring

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Burnished Flag

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Seven Sisters

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Dark Waters

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Collection inspired my Joan Mitchell
Now they have all given me their names, I’m happy to share them …
Mixed media… Lots of mess! Another Non-Artist creation …

Anne Harrison 12.02.17

Dear Thoughts…

Just shut up… Please give me the peace I crave to be creative… but no, not today… one simple thought a single reminder of what triggered my anxiety on Thursday has left me crippled today. My brain replays false memories,  creates invented scenes which haunt my thoughts and makes me feel sick…

… I actually have a day to myself to do my thingies, the thingies I like and instead I’m stuck playing silly games on my tablet because I’m frozen beyond the ability to function.
… The reality is, there is nothing there… no reason to fret so, no cause beyond a single thought… Nothing… yet from nothing I am trapped inside my head, swirling whirling worries consume my life today and I’m lost, loosing time, my time, to my mind…

That is why I am putting this into words, so I can see that there is nothing there… like the spooky shape in the shadows, there is nothing there!

I need to be thankful,  I do not get anxiety as much as I used too… my depression,  my anxiety, my panic attacks… these are all fractions of the old me, who I used to be, who I was, the Anne I had to give up so that Anne could move on…

Trouble is,  these little fractions, they are still part of me, we don’t totally cast our skin and they can stay hidden,  blinded by the light that makes me shine, but occasionally they surface and spread their ink through the light,  turning thoughts into illusions that consume the mind…

But there is nothing there, nothing at all… when you turn on the light, the spooky shadows diminish and you can see clearly that only your imagination was creating the creature that lurks in the gloom…

… time to turn on the light Anne, there is nothing there… *hopefully*

Anne Harrison 12.02.17