Isolation

Who listens to the listener?

I honestly currently feel like I am constantly putting others mental health before my own. My nearest and dearest to me all have issues with their mental health. I have found myself learning a lot about the whole mental health system by supporting those around me. From attending crisis cafés, to assisting with medical questionnaires and emergency phone calls. I like to think I can help those who are struggling and be someone my friends can rely on.

Today, I have to go collect my cats ashes. I have post holiday blues and next week my boat comes out of the water for blacking. 

I am a mess … I miss my Dad, miss my cat. Miss being able to talk to someone when I feel like this. 

I guess that is why I am writing this here, because I do not know who to talk to anymore. I don’t know who I can talk too without them turning the conversation to themselves and their own issues and once again I am the listener again. Some, even have the unfortunate ability to even interrupt a sentence to switch the conversation around before I can express myself and so I stay quiet.

I sobbed my socks off earlier,  I’ve not eaten,  I tried asking for help, my anxiety is unbearable and I don’t have any medical support or medication. (this is a rare low moment) I’m feel like I’m a fraud,  I don’t have any problems,  I’m expected to shut up and put up. Get told … over and over and over again … you’ve got nothing to worry about. Yet I feel like I’m falling apart inside.

Perhaps I am worrying over nothing, but currently everything feels overwhelming and I have no place to turn.

So I pour my heart out here, to folks I don’t know and those two people I know in real life who will text at some point in the future if this post doesn’t slip them by.

I am sorry for dumping here, for being a self absorbed drama queen. I just needed to get all these words out of my chest and somewhere to release myself from this anxiety vice.

Thank you for listening!