Lost

The forever failure

As long as I can remember, I’ve always been lost in life. From being that social awkward child that didn’t fit in to being the class greb as a teenager, more attitude and black clothing than direction and purpose.

I’m 46 and I am still lost. I have tried my hand at various themes and interests but nothing really sits right. Studied various subjects to discover that they’re just not for me and now I’m questioning my books I’ve been making, I feel insecure within a sea of those very skilled booksmiths.

I’ve tiptoed into the realms of the professional journalling and immaculate bookbinding by seeking inspiration for my work and finding only insecurities in my abilities. Because in a few short days I’m going to lack the time to improve any skills I have as I return to work and I will have hours instead of days to make prettyful books. So I feel like I’m always going to be stuck at a novice level.

Truth is I appear to have found a profession out of time, perhaps a few centuries ago I would have had a successful career as a bookbinder. Fast forward to an age where I can’t begin to understand the job titles available in my local area and such a profession doesn’t exist for a 46 year old apprentice who’s only just learning the craft.

So I’m lost.

Part of me wants to just vanish, to run away. But even if I leave. I will still be there and I still don’t know what to do with my life.

So I write, I make things, I actively avoid big DIY tasks, by making things instead. I eat the wrong things and I live in my head.

Which sounds all rather gloomy, however, apart from the odd bout of anxiety. I’m content being lost, I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I have no direction or goal and this gives me the freedom to try new things, get kits, follow instructions, build things, make things and have a go.

Being lost is the ultimate source of freedom because you can try anything, you’re not restricted by one purpose but can explore many paths and wander with wonder.

So I won’t be a professional, I don’t need to be. So I don’t know where I am going in life? And that doesn’t matter. So I tried things and failed, at least I tried. So I don’t fit in with normality and I don’t need to. So, I’m permanently lost and that can lead me anywhere.