Note to Self 

I broke my own rules and let my emotions spill out onto Facebook.  I know, I see people every day do exactly this and each time I witness the support of their friends.

I try to refrain from doing so,  because of my own bloody stubborn mindedness.

Yesterday I might have broke my own rules,  but I also discovered the reality that people not only care,  but they also understand where I am coming from.

I’m not alone,  we do indeed all fight our own battles…  However it also helps to be kinder to myself too xx

 

Anne Harrison 20.07.17

My Friend Anxiety

It is cold
Creeps through your soul like steel claws
They clutch your heart
Your tummy
Your gut
Frozen

Your hands start to curl
Stiff fingers clenched
You can’t breathe
Or breathe too quickly
Hold your breath
Frozen

A white wash from head to toe
Heart racing
Mind racing
Thoughts racing
But you’re still
Frozen

You’re detached from reality
The mundane becomes surreal
Focus foggy exhausting
Feel sick
Can’t eat
Frozen

*

It’s all in your head
Snap out of it
You need to be more positive
Look on the bright side
You don’t look ill

*

But I’m in bed at 8:30pm writing shitty poetry
Because a phone call is too difficult
So i seek peace in sleep
Using words to touch kindred spirits
Until dreams take me away

*

Anne Harrison  19.07.17

The magic of the Mundane

…Is that even possible?

 

To embrace normality, to enjoy every day tasks, to look forward and have fun at work… That might sound potty, to find comfort in all things dull and boring. However, as I can now reflect without anxiety upon events of last Wednesday, here I am one week later, finding joy in sitting at my desk. Please forgive me if I can not explain in details the circumstances which have caused so much distress. I fear that I do not know who is reading my work and although my blog posts are shared on Twitter and Tumblr only and not Facebook (where I know some trolls live) I am still reluctant to talk freely for fear of any further explosive outbursts.

In other words, I am far too intimidated to complain.

So I have been cryptic, I am vague, but even these few words are all aid in my processing events and regaining some measure of myself once again.

This I have found in embracing all the normal every day shite which is usually mindbogglingly boring. I am fortunate that I really love my job, so being back at work is refreshing. I’m back at University class, surrounded by good friends and immersing myself in a language from a culture I adore. Even my daily bus route feels comfortable. Slowly I am becoming more of my old self again.

This shock has also ignited something else I feel I have neglected in my life. My grief. Instead of refusing to accept this emotion, I’m actually starting to accept the fact that I do miss my Mum and I need to allow myself to grieve, that it’s alright, it’s not something to be ashamed of.

Maybe sometimes a unpleasant situation might awaken deeply buried feelings? I don’t know, I’m not an expert on such circumstances, I’m just plodding along at my own pace, finding my feet again, putting life back together in my own way and accepting new emotions that have arisen. Writing helps me put all these cryptic clues into perspective and although it might not be interesting reading for you, you beautiful cupcakes that read my mad scribblings, please trust me, this, along with my mundane tasks, it all helps me to shine once more.

… And a shiny Anne means more stories…

Thank you for being there, where ever you are, whoever you are, just thank you for being you  x

 

Love Anne Harrison

03.05.17

Gathering my Thoughts

Reflecting on current events…

I’ve not written to you for a while,  mainly because I’ve been exploring regions with limited WiFi, which can be nice. To step back in time to an era where your phone isn’t pinging every few moments with a new ‘like’ on something someone else said weeks ago and is still doing the rounds…

Secondly, I have not written as I have needed to give myself some time to (try) and process a very traumatic event last week.  Mostly I fear I’ve become some dandy snowflake, easily offended and reduced to tears by harsh words. Yet being threatened with my life, feels like more than simple harsh words. Even if the threat was shallow and directed at not just me personally… I saw my companion shaking so deeply with shock, that in reality,  even harsh words may have a physical effect.

Forgive me if I am unable to go into detail regarding events. However I can assure you that this did not happen abroad,  but instead on home soil. Even writing so much, so vaguely makes me feel ill at ease inside. My nerves and anxiety have taken days to calm down, my thoughts churn events like a tornado of words…

I am reduced to a weak and feeble female and I hate the fact that someone can destroy my peace of mind so wretchedly. I need to regain myself and my independent spirit that ventured forth to begin with.

I can not allow one bitter vile person to ruin who I am, when in reality I (hopefully) will never cross paths with them again.

But currently, I just need a little time…

… Thank you for reading x

fb_img_1493623981997.jpg

Anne Harrison 01.05.17

The Face of Depression 

A Personal Blog…

I was utterly horrified when an old photo of me surfaced at work. Taken near the start of my current job,  around 2010/2011 time… I am beyond embarrassed,  so here I am,  sharing the monstrosity on the bloody Internet instead of putting it through the shredder…  Because, my very first thought when I looked upon myself from (not that many) years ago, was ‘OMG… I was so unhappy’…

It was that thought which compelled me to keep the photo and to share the photo.  This is the face of Depression,  this was me at my lowest ebb, this was the self destructive,  self harming, suicidal,  drinking, eating junk, miserable and ill… I was slowly killing myself and I hated myself…

This is my face and I’m wearing my depression in my eyes, it lays heavily on my shoulders along with the weight I was carrying.  This is me, this is who I was and I can’t hate her,  she’s my past,  she’s all the horrible things I’ve been through… But she survived… Because she is me…

This is me now, this is who I am, who she came to be…  I no longer live with depression… It’s been a long path, that journey to self love,  to love life and grasp crazy adventures (like Glass Walking)…

If I had given up,  if I had vanished into the bottom of another empty wine bottle,  I would never had thought I could have achieved all I have done in just a few short years.

I am not perfect, but I don’t need to be perfect. I still have moments where I’m gripped by anxiety and  I am still overweight (Damn You Cake!)…

I never anticipated that I could change my life around so much,  so drastically… Sometimes you need that blast from the past, that smack in the face to help you understand just how far you have come and give you the courage to continue…
Love Anne x

09.03.17

Destroying Personal Doubts

Ooh… If only it was really that easy…

I’m afraid I don’t have any miracle answers to completely destroying personal doubts, but I have been known to be crazy enough to put myself into bizarre situations which really make me question my abilities, strengths and stupidity.

One such occasion was last Sunday (26.02.17) where I found myself facing toasting my toes having insanely chosen to participate in a Fire Walk at Red Hot Coals in Loughborough Leicestershire. Because I have nothing better to do with my Sunday afternoons…

I had no idea what to expect, I was a ‘little’ anxious … roughly translated as wrapped up in nervous anticipation to the point where I questioned whether I wanted to go or not…

However the ‘experience’ was paid for as a gift, so with an open mind and a few Google searches later I pulled up my big girl pants and ventured forth…

On the plus side I did get to meet a real life stunt man, which was rather splendid. What I did not expect was a series of physical and mental tests that we were invited to participate in prior to our Fire Walk. Activities such as I would expect from a Ninja, not a cuddly Anne!

Alas WordPress wont let me attach videos, however if you wish to bare witness to my amazing feats there are three videos on my Twitter page (where it says pictures & videos). Here you will see me breaking wood with my hand… Not something I’ve ever done before, I’ve seen it done by super Martial Artists, skilled and focused in their art… The closest I’ve ventured into the realms of Martial Arts is simply Tai-Chi, which I practice each day. But to put my hand through a sheet of wood… I doubted my abilities and fully expected to be the one who failed and hurt my hand, but standing there, something in my head just said ‘there is no wood’ and I amused my own little brain with random Matrix musings, putting my hand through the wood with astonishing ease.

Our next challenge was death defying (yes we had to sign a disclaimer that we might die) To break an arrow with my throat! Pointy end at my neck, feathered end against the wall… This I DID NOT want to do… So naturally, in order to conquer my nerves, I went first. Fully expecting to chicken out as soon as it hurt and whimper out of the challenge … But NO! As soon as I saw the shaft start to bend, I knew I could shatter this task. Though the pressure felt unpleasant against my windpipe the arrow did indeed shatter and if you watch the video, I think I look totally shocked and then kinda give a little dance of glee…

However the weather proved to be out bitter enemy this day and high winds made the fire walk impossible, it was unsafe, the winds tossing ash and embers around carelessly, dangerously and our expert stuntman declared that the walk would not take place today… So… Plan B… A glass walk!

Walking On Broken Glass is not something I had in mind when I had woken up that morning, I was all fueled up to walk on fire, but glass is sharp and pointy and ouchie with the sharp pointy ouchie bits and really *really* unnerving crunching sound as it crushed under foot… Watching a professional stuntman perform his art was impressive and caused me to wince once or twice… But to actually get up and stand there…

Ever see that episode of Criminal Minds where the floor is covered in glass? There’s a killer behind you, the exit before you but between you and the exit a floor of broken glass (Image from Season 2 Episode 22 Legacy) OR… That needle scene in Saw…

2x22-legacy-criminal-minds-14247124-500-282

All these nightmare visions swarmed through my thoughts… But I made my first step and gingerly made my way, those few uncomfortable steps, focusing on looking ahead, to trusting your feet, allowing your own toes to find a path through the glass.

fb_img_1488370814712

I’m pleased to say I achieved all three insane tasks, I have still got the fire walk to do in finer weather and I am left with a resounding thought, that maybe I am capable of far more than I give myself credit for? Maybe?

 

Love, Anne x

02.03.17

 

Dear Thoughts…

Just shut up… Please give me the peace I crave to be creative… but no, not today… one simple thought a single reminder of what triggered my anxiety on Thursday has left me crippled today. My brain replays false memories,  creates invented scenes which haunt my thoughts and makes me feel sick…

… I actually have a day to myself to do my thingies, the thingies I like and instead I’m stuck playing silly games on my tablet because I’m frozen beyond the ability to function.
… The reality is, there is nothing there… no reason to fret so, no cause beyond a single thought… Nothing… yet from nothing I am trapped inside my head, swirling whirling worries consume my life today and I’m lost, loosing time, my time, to my mind…

That is why I am putting this into words, so I can see that there is nothing there… like the spooky shape in the shadows, there is nothing there!

I need to be thankful,  I do not get anxiety as much as I used too… my depression,  my anxiety, my panic attacks… these are all fractions of the old me, who I used to be, who I was, the Anne I had to give up so that Anne could move on…

Trouble is,  these little fractions, they are still part of me, we don’t totally cast our skin and they can stay hidden,  blinded by the light that makes me shine, but occasionally they surface and spread their ink through the light,  turning thoughts into illusions that consume the mind…

But there is nothing there, nothing at all… when you turn on the light, the spooky shadows diminish and you can see clearly that only your imagination was creating the creature that lurks in the gloom…

… time to turn on the light Anne, there is nothing there… *hopefully*

Anne Harrison 12.02.17

Anxiety induced writers block

Anxiety is a dreadful waste of the imagination. Something will happen,  usually something simple and rather insignificant.  Yet for some reason it will worm its way into your thoughts and alter events into every worst case scenario you can imagine.

The words you want to use are buried deep inside a thick layer of panic as the mind creates situations mentally that causes physical side effects,  your heart races, you feel sick, cold, you can’t eat, or eat the wrong shit… your mind is so wrapped up with imaginary ‘what if’s’ that you don’t even have the sense of logic to speak straight,  you’re on autopilot or simply frozen as the mind cripples you with a fear that does not really exist beyond your own skull …

And that in itself is your own personal horror story…

 

Anne Harrison 11.02.17

Destroying Negative Thoughts

*true story*

 

i burned my journal at the weekend
it was pretty and pink and crammed full of negativity
i tore pages free from the spine
with thoughts in my mind - words cant define

i burned my journal and destroyed my thoughts
self hatred and insecurity plagued the pages
false promises and longing - that were not mine
the constant illusion of perfection

i burned my journal to free my mind
a mind taunted by media images
a mind obsessed with being slim
a mind overthinking

i burned my journal at the weekend
it was pretty and pink and horded black words
i had become a slave to the system
i saw only flaws - i manifested my own hate

i burned my journal and gave hate to the flames
pages curling and blacking
words set free to the fire
that night i actually slept

 

Anne Harrison 17.10.16

Pop Art

Tumbling down the Tumblr hole and finding you’re not as strong as you think you are…

 

i saw an image today
i watched - it did not move
just a lone image upon a screen
one of many - but single to me
despite all horror and gore
the made up shit that is nothing more
sometimes reality leaps back
and turns your stomach inside out
memories you would rather forget
scenes which question strength
pain wrapped up in stitches
tears stain the bathroom floor
i click - close the page - open anew
and write
words flowing freely as my tummy tumbles
feeling emotional
without the strength to cry

 

Anne Harrison 07.10.16