When Words Fail You

And your brain just won’t shut up…

… Mood crashes and everything,  EVERYTHING is just far too much…

My mind is my own worst enemy today

Nobody Cares

It can take weeks to pick yourself up from the edge of despair. 

Then hidden within kind regards are two simple words… 

‘Nobody Cares’

All kind regards fly into insignificance,  for my mind can only replay two words… 

‘Nobody Cares’ 

The record broken,  lines scratched… Nothing NOTHING else consumes my thoughts like those two words…

‘Nobody Cares’ 

I care

I’m nobody 

Anne Harrison 30.93.17

On the Ledge

A Personal Blog

 

I had a dip, you might have noticed in some earlier thoughts I shared, mainly regarding losing my Mother and being reminded of this by the fact that my Parents Wedding Anniversary and Mothers Day being within three days of each other.

My Blog is my safe little corner of this cyber world, here I have always felt safe to express myself and write more than I could ever say in person and I write only a fraction of what I would like to say.

Having this space has given me the ability to work through my emotions and safely express myself, no one is forced to read my words and no one is obliged to reply, which places me in a comfortable situation. My life is interwoven with my ongoing ‘Not-so-short-short-story’ and I can find some measure of peace of mind.

A fellow Blogger recently sent me these precious words of wisdom:

So I started to write, and write I did… It took me three days to write the following notes and even though I know I am not an expert in such thingies, you need to understand that I wrote these words for me… I know that sounds selfish, yet at the same time, I am sharing them… Because maybe, only maybe, they just might resonate to someone else out there in cyberspace…

*Dedicated to all those who find themselves lingering on the ledge*

 

With Love,

Anne Harrison 30.03.17

The Face of Depression

A Personal Blog…

I was utterly horrified when an old photo of me surfaced at work. Taken near the start of my current job,  around 2010/2011 time… I am beyond embarrassed,  so here I am,  sharing the monstrosity on the bloody Internet instead of putting it through the shredder…  Because, my very first thought when I looked upon myself from (not that many) years ago, was ‘OMG… I was so unhappy’…

It was that thought which compelled me to keep the photo and to share the photo.  This is the face of Depression,  this was me at my lowest ebb, this was the self destructive,  self harming, suicidal,  drinking, eating junk, miserable and ill… I was slowly killing myself and I hated myself…

This is my face and I’m wearing my depression in my eyes, it lays heavily on my shoulders along with the weight I was carrying.  This is me, this is who I was and I can’t hate her,  she’s my past,  she’s all the horrible things I’ve been through… But she survived… Because she is me…

This is me now, this is who I am, who she came to be…  I no longer live with depression… It’s been a long path, that journey to self love,  to love life and grasp crazy adventures (like Glass Walking)…

If I had given up,  if I had vanished into the bottom of another empty wine bottle,  I would never had thought I could have achieved all I have done in just a few short years.

I am not perfect, but I don’t need to be perfect. I still have moments where I’m gripped by anxiety and  I am still overweight (Damn You Cake!)…

I never anticipated that I could change my life around so much,  so drastically… Sometimes you need that blast from the past, that smack in the face to help you understand just how far you have come and give you the courage to continue…
Love Anne x

09.03.17

Dear Thoughts…

Just shut up… Please give me the peace I crave to be creative… but no, not today… one simple thought a single reminder of what triggered my anxiety on Thursday has left me crippled today. My brain replays false memories,  creates invented scenes which haunt my thoughts and makes me feel sick…

… I actually have a day to myself to do my thingies, the thingies I like and instead I’m stuck playing silly games on my tablet because I’m frozen beyond the ability to function.
… The reality is, there is nothing there… no reason to fret so, no cause beyond a single thought… Nothing… yet from nothing I am trapped inside my head, swirling whirling worries consume my life today and I’m lost, loosing time, my time, to my mind…

That is why I am putting this into words, so I can see that there is nothing there… like the spooky shape in the shadows, there is nothing there!

I need to be thankful,  I do not get anxiety as much as I used too… my depression,  my anxiety, my panic attacks… these are all fractions of the old me, who I used to be, who I was, the Anne I had to give up so that Anne could move on…

Trouble is,  these little fractions, they are still part of me, we don’t totally cast our skin and they can stay hidden,  blinded by the light that makes me shine, but occasionally they surface and spread their ink through the light,  turning thoughts into illusions that consume the mind…

But there is nothing there, nothing at all… when you turn on the light, the spooky shadows diminish and you can see clearly that only your imagination was creating the creature that lurks in the gloom…

… time to turn on the light Anne, there is nothing there… *hopefully*

Anne Harrison 12.02.17

Anxiety induced writers block

Anxiety is a dreadful waste of the imagination. Something will happen,  usually something simple and rather insignificant.  Yet for some reason it will worm its way into your thoughts and alter events into every worst case scenario you can imagine.

The words you want to use are buried deep inside a thick layer of panic as the mind creates situations mentally that causes physical side effects,  your heart races, you feel sick, cold, you can’t eat, or eat the wrong shit… your mind is so wrapped up with imaginary ‘what if’s’ that you don’t even have the sense of logic to speak straight,  you’re on autopilot or simply frozen as the mind cripples you with a fear that does not really exist beyond your own skull …

And that in itself is your own personal horror story…

 

Anne Harrison 11.02.17

Pop Art

Tumbling down the Tumblr hole and finding you’re not as strong as you think you are…

 

i saw an image today
i watched - it did not move
just a lone image upon a screen
one of many - but single to me
despite all horror and gore
the made up shit that is nothing more
sometimes reality leaps back
and turns your stomach inside out
memories you would rather forget
scenes which question strength
pain wrapped up in stitches
tears stain the bathroom floor
i click - close the page - open anew
and write
words flowing freely as my tummy tumbles
feeling emotional
without the strength to cry

 

Anne Harrison 07.10.16

When Old Enemies Raise Their Ugly Heads

This is just a short post today, due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m not looking forward to this afternoon, in fact I would be much much happier to stay at work and carry on working my ass off like a hyperactive hummingbird, because it helps take my mind off shit I’ve got to deal with this afternoon.

I will spare you the grizzly details, but suffice to say that the situation involves those of authority (Social Services) and the future of my Mother’s health care. My annoying little friends, ‘Nervous Anxiety’ ‘Panic Attack’ and their cousin ‘Gloomy Blues’ have popped in to see me today and look as though they intend to accompany me for the whole daunting two hour meeting.

Fucking hands are shaking as I’m trying to type and I keep wanting to clench my fingers into claws… I hate feeling like this, hate the fact that these little bastards can creep up and gnaw away at my peace of mind. I used to live with them constantly, however, this current visitation is due to concern for my Mother and not my own mental health.

Though it goes to show that they can still linger within the cave of doubt inside my mind, raising their ugly heads every-so-often to nibble at my confidence and trigger my imagination into an overdrive of worst case scenarios.

For I have no idea what will happen within those two hours and I just want the best for my Mum, even though she can’t always remember my name…

 

Anne Harrison 10.05.16