Facing My Fears!

Trying to ease my nightmares through writing …

I am in a horrible state of anxiety and so I thought that the best thing I can do is to put it all into words and then read it back to myself, just to see how ridiculous my fears are and just how stupid my thoughts sound when shared.

Thursday I am travelling to Japan, Tomorrow is my last day at work until Valentines day and Wednesday I travel to London, no big deal that, I was in London over the weekend (Weekend Blog to follow). However I have not been out of the country since 2020, when I managed to get a trip to Japan (yes this is not my first trip there on Thursday) squeezed in about a month before Covid gripped the world and we were in lock down – and everything got mighty weird for a couple of years thereafter.

Please also note; the last time I travelled to Japan was a mere few weeks following my Father’s death and my headspace at the time was a a little flaky to say the least. Yet I am still more anxious about this forthcoming trip (already cancelled and rescheduled from last year ’22) and I can’t begin to explain why I am nervous. The only reason I think I can explain my nightmares is simply because it has been so long since I last left the UK that I feel like a blundering novice, I’ve forgotten more Japanese that I have ever learned and for this particular trip, I also need to get an internal flight.

I feel utterly inadequate to face an international flight on Thursday – Yet practically everything is ready, even the whole Japanese immigration system is done via an app in advance, yet my nerves will insist that I have fucked this up too. Have I packed too much, too little, taken on too much to do. Is my footwear appropriate and what the fuck an I going to eat when I don’t like fish?

Now I know I am starting to sound ridiculous, it’s like there is a whirlpool of thoughts rattling around inside my head and 90% of them are illogical and not one of them includes the plane falling out of the sky. Airports I always find anxiety inducing, flights I love and I have managed to get myself completely lost in Japan before now and still got to where I needed to be. So, please, brain calm thy tits and allow me to enjoy this trip without your nonsense!

Which is easier said then done, which is also why I am writing and I thought I would try and document the trip here as I go, as I get a portable WiFi to (ab)use so, time permitting, I should be able to write as I go along. At least that way I can see that my fears were unnecessary, she says hopefully, and it is just the whole pandemic drama which has triggered this irrational anxiety.

In some respects, I suppose I could be subconsciously connecting my last trip there to a traumatic event in my life and this could be the root of all this mental confusion. I wont know until Thursday comes and I’m on my way, until then all I can do is make sure I have all that I need and remember my passport!

Shibuya Crossing