I think I’ve just popped.
Everything, after all these long months of just carrying on and carrying on and carrying on have just abruptly exploded in a fountain of tears… And once again (like on day…) I am left with the inescapable feeling that I can not talk / turn to anyone.
Can’t breathe during a panic attack and I can’t touch my eyes… They’re so painful.
So here I sit, working through my lunchtime because I can not eat. Silence is all consuming and I’m shaking inside.
I’m utterly humiliated and I’m wondering why I’m even writing this?
See, it’s like this… Very simply, I find that when I try to talk, I’m greeted with a dismissive response.
So I’ve given up trying to explain. I just carry on and carry on and carry on. Again.
I suppose a little pop is good for getting stacked up tears out of your system. So I suppose this will help, in some way?
People want to ‘end the stigma’ on mental health, encouraging people to talk and be open. But how is that even possible?
Because I don’t have a mental health issue. But I do get anxiety in certain circumstances. I am even prone to the occasional panic attack, but these are only (thankfully) few and far between.
So I should be able to deal with them without getting myself in such a state.
However, this got me thinking, about how I have developed a system of conversation where I can happily chat away and not actually say anything.
Perhaps that’s my super power, to be invisible in conversations. To be alone in a crowd.
I’m feeling fragile, but I don’t have any mental health issues so I have nothing to say about how I feel.
… Only apologise humiliated …
And carry on and carry on and carry on (again)…
If you are reading this and you know me, I’m fine honest, just clearing my head…
If you are reading this and you don’t know me, pay attention to your quiet friends, for they usually have the most to say…
Today I am thankful for my blog, this has given me the time and chance to get my mind straight, I’ve nearly stopped trembling, so that is a good thing, shows writing helps and it feels more comfortable than more tears..
So here is a picture of BB8…
… You’re welcome xx
Love, Anne Harrison 18.05.18