Reflecting on the 2am post…
I will get back to my tale, I mean how could I leave a proposal dangling midair without giving an answer. However, life, reality, the mundane and the tragic has a way of consuming time and pulling a writer away from their fantasy realm for a while when circumstances are more important.
My last post, was written at 2am, during a wretched night of insomnia, I pulled all the emotions out of my chest and poured them freely upon the screen. I have slept better since then. I have noticed that people treat you differently at this time, I am spoken to differently, there is a tone which accompanies the voice, a softness, a heart felt pain, a lost for words and shall we talk about the weather?
I am expected to fall apart, to go to bits. I am told not to bottle in emotions, that it’s alright to cry, to sob, wail, snot and scream. I am sorry, I feel calm.
When I heard the news I had been expecting, my tummy jumped into my throat and did flip fops there as my heart raced, my hands trembled and there I was stood outside a music venue, under a clear full moon as the main band had just come on stage. This is a pinpoint in time which will always cling with me.
But I soon felt calm, still feel calm. It is quite spooky in a way… The way I have remained level headed, even kept a firm grasp on my sense of humor. I have moments where I am gloomy, sad, miserable… But this expected ‘falling apart’ still escapes me…
… This is because I’ve done my falling apart – I’ve done my sobbing – I said my words of regret and hope – I even kicked the fireplace and suspect I might have busted my little toe. I have been through a whole tornado of emotions throughout the year, I have watched my Mother approach the edge of death on so many events, each time to drag herself back, only to sit and wish for death. Over and over again, it would tear my heart apart listening to her constant begging to be set free. I’ve done what is expected of me, now, throughout the whole year, for I have spent the whole year watching my Mother slowly die.
… Finally, stood outside the music venue, listening to the crowd inside roar into life, finally, as I heard the news I had been expecting… My shock, my grief, turned into relief.
Please do not consider my words heartless, please do not think I am a bitch. Please understand how hard this is for me to write. Yet I grieved for my Mother as she deteriorated, now I am calm, for she is at peace.
Thank You for being there for me, my lovely invisible audience. Normal service will resume shortly… I mean you want to know if there will be a wedding between my characters, don’t you?
Love, Anne Harrison 22.12.16