Facebook – love it or hate it – it lingers on the internet with its soft edged blue ‘f’ – just another popular social network – a place to share your thoughts, photos, rants or dinner. You really don’t need me to expand on this fact… However one of its features is the ‘time hop’ – which can be rather cringe-worthy or amusing if you bother to check it… Some days I do, some days I forget or just cant be bothered… Today was one of those days where I was just absently scrolling through such memories, re-posted a couple of silly Deadpool or Harley cartoons on Tumblr (because I can) …
… Then I found an open letter I had written and posted three years ago – This was a real smack in the face, as I read my own words again and the replies I received… A wake up call, if you like… So along with silly cartoons, I have decided to share my words again – NOT on Facebook, but here in a blog, I’m afraid it’s more for my own selfish reason, I’m afraid, so that I can recall these words and remember them, so I can see how far I have come and accept how much difference a simple three years can make…
… Apologies for a break in fiction – Usual nonsense will resume next week…
Anne Harrison 19.08.16
This is the hardest post I’ve ever written!
An open letter to my friends,
If you’ve noticed that I’ve not quite been myself this year, or even vanished into obscurity a little, personally withdrawing from social events.
(but not from posting silly jokes on facebook)
I need to be honest, with myself, more than anyone else, but also with friends who may have thought I have abonended them this year. For that I am dreadfully sorry.
However, in March I had a Stroke… Not a full on major stroke, a minor stroke… But a stroke is still a stroke and it’s effects are quite drastic.
I’ve been left with some numbness/tingling in my left hand, trouble with my head, neck and vision. My memory is scatty and I’ve had suicidal thoughts with depression.
Mainly I’ve been trying to pretend that nothing is wrong and ignoring pain. I’ve kept working and kept on trying to put on a ‘normal’ face and mask pain and sight loss with ignorance.
Though, please don’t think this is a ‘woo-is-me’ letter, I’m not writing for sympathy, what I honestly desire is forgiveness, for not being there for you when you needed me. For being absent from an event or meeting. For hiding away from the world at times and for being a fool to myself.
I’ve had 6 months now to recover and I’m nearly there, it’s made me look at my life in a different way and realise how lucky I am to be alive. I’ve applied to go to Uni, I’ve quit drinking (100%) and I’ve learnt how to cry.
A recent conversation made me realise how foolish I’ve been to hide this like a ‘dirty secret’ if it was someone I adored, I’d want to know, even if it was just to supply hugs…
Everyone loves hugs!
So there you have it, my written confession for the world to know… Tomorrow is a new day and the wheel turns on, just as it will do when I’m dead and gone.
Life is a precious gift, love your life, be at peace with yourself and make each day count!
Love, Ayn xxx