Broken Thoughts and Wrong Words

So I spent most of my lunch time yesterday working on a blog that I thought would be interesting and informative. I attempted to express an intelligent opinion and used myself and my own circumstances as a counter position to my argument. Yet no matter how much I wrote, re-wrote and starred blankly at the screen, I just could not get my words right. For some reason (I cant explain) somewhere between my brain and the keys, all the words got themselves in a jumble and what I read was bullshit. I’ve scrapped it, it’s shit.

I can not write like a blogger. I follow all these glorious blogs which are beautifully articulate with immaculate presentation and detailed thoughts, enhanced with links and images to express their words.

Oh not me, I just sound like a crazy cat lady, maybe a little bitter and twisted when I compare myself to the world around me, but ultimately I sound like a ranting loon!

I’m starting to feel like my writing is inadequate, my ideas inferior, I’m doubting myself and my abilities because I am always seeing my work in comparison to others work and I always view others work in higher regard than my own. I have this ‘I’m not worthy’ complex, which has haunted me since childhood, with constant school reports of: “Must try harder” “Could do better” “Fails to concentrate” “Constant daydreamer” … Following years of bullying quashed by confidence to the point of non-existence and despite putting all that crap in the past, I *still* believe that I am not worthy. Though I’m not exactly what I should be worthy of and why I need to constantly compare myself to others?

I am NOT a writer, but I LOVE writing… But I cease writing as soon as I lose confidence in what I am trying to write. The result of this is more than a dozen half finished projects, shelved ideas, foolish daydreams and an abuse of the ‘delete’ key.

I use blogging pretty much like my journal at home, to scribble ideas down upon a theme I wish to express my thoughts about. Generally I just write drivel and end up more confused than  when I started. Recent events have shaken my resolve a little, I’m feeling a little lost and self conscious. But I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details…

Suffice to say, I’ve deleted what I wanted to write, I’ve written what I wanted to share and even though I am feeling a little fragile today.. There is always tomorrow and besides, maybe venting on the page might help clear my thoughts? Or maybe I shouldn’t really give a shit about (what I think) others think about? But then I would cease to be the complex and insecure individual I am.

Once my confidence has been restored I go back to being my glorious fabulous self and you would never guess at the hidden brain worms which make me feel shit about myself and my writing. So I’ll shut the fuck up before I bore the pants off you and go and get myself chocolate… Because… Chocolate!!

 

Anne Harrison 29.06.16

 

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The Return of the Kitty

Missed me? Well I’m back and before you run away screaming, I hope you will take a moment to read through my thoughts… Or not, the choice is yours…

You might have noticed a lack of posts over the last few weeks, so I’d like to share a little about my recent adventures.

The world has been thrown wide open to me this year, without a shadow of a doubt, my experiences in Japan will leave an ever lasting impression upon me and I ache to return one day. Recent weeks have ticked seven more countries off my bucket list, which is why I’ve not posted currently (No WiFi you see – but that’s another story) …

… Circumstances offered me a place upon a cruise around the Baltic States and I would have been a fool (and rude) to refuse a place upon the floating city known as the ‘Azura‘. A beauty to behold, majestic and powerful and my home for two weeks. A cruise is something I had never expected to go on, expensive and outrageous, a cruise I considered way beyond my meager pocket. Yet there I was, stood on deck watching Southampton slip away from view heading to Russia – Another place I had never expected to go to!

But I don’t want this to be another holiday blog… I will write about the countries and my travels at a later date, I wanted to write more about my observations people watching and the questions that have come to light in regards to my own life.

In particular, our dining companions… Each evening we would sit at a table for eight for an astonishing meal, which was like eating Christmas dinner every day. I shall mention no names and remain polite, for I have nothing against anyone I was seated with, though I got a glimpse into the life of ‘how the other half live’ those who collect cruises and air miles like nectar points, the retired, the well seasoned traveller and the proud grandparents.

A long daunting list of countries visited, places explored and personal achievements felt a little uncomfortable to begin with as I felt intimidated, like every boast was a challenge. I started to feel inferior and began questioning my own life choices…

What if I had gone into the RAF?
What if I had gone to University (as a Teenager) ?
What if I had got decent grades?
What if I had never got involved with *** ?
What if I had chosen a different career path?
What if I had had children?

All these questions haunted me as I listened politely to the meal time chatter, I felt inadequate, I felt incomplete, like I was missing a great chunk of my life, something everyone around me appeared to grasp with such passion, such love, devotion and pride. I was missing the huge segment that everyone else upon the table held with unquestionable devotion – I was not a parent!

I have a cat, a really pretty cat… But a cat is a cat is a cat… She can not deliver unto me these qualities which consumed the conversation daily, especially, particularly regarding Grandchildren. Frightening! I have friends my age who are grandparents and I’m not even a Mother. I have a cat, sometimes she brings me dead things, a moth, a wing, a bat …

Am I destined to become a crazy cat lady, surrounded by poop and fleas. Living in haunting regret that I have no Children or Grandchildren?

I don’t think so… But I don’t have a crystal ball that can reach into the future and read my mindset in years to come… I am however clear in my thoughts currently and currently I am content as I am, by myself, with my cat. So why must other people make me feel incomplete by their unquestionable love for their own offspring? There is nothing wrong with me, with my life choice, my decisions.

My life is just on a different path to theirs, I can accept their proud boastings, but why could they not accept me being me?

 

Anne Harrison 27.06.16