After the Storm

I want to try to make this entry my last personal blog, where I share my thoughts instead of my writing, I’ve lost track of the direction this page should have been taking and I have been using this as a platform for my brain garbage.

Having said that, I doubt this to be the case and anticipate that I shall ignore my words entirely, as usual, totally disregarding my current thoughts and getting distracted by other thoughts which pop up randomly to steal my attention.

 

 

2016 has Not been an easy ride so far, in fact it has been a little bit of a bastard. With the exception of my glorious holiday, I have had the sensation of spinning round and round in circles, chasing my tail, waiting for appointment dates, visiting times, more appointments, assessments, cancelled appointments, cancelled assessments, more visiting times and among all that chaos, work – eat – sleep – a wobbly social life and cancelled plans. I shall spare you the details of the chaos erupting situation, suffice to say that as briefly mentioned in Tuesdays post – this regards my Mother’s Health Care.

For the record, apart from my Parents and an 102 year old Great Aunt (somewhere) I have no family – No brothers – No sisters – No aunts – No uncles – No grandparents – No hidden cousins – No children of my own and No husband. So everything has laid directly upon the shoulders of myself and my father, we have had the support of some great friends, but we can only ask so much.

We have turned a corner on Tuesday, we have the support we hoped for and yet this good news came with a price… The painful understanding that there is no form of recovery, nothing but a slow decline to the end…

In some respects this year has been a fluctuation of emotions, normal life scattered with the struggling to mourn someone who is not physically dead.

And that is my own journey and that is also where I need to leave this subject…

 

 

From 12.05.16 Onward…

At Christmas a Darling friend got me a ‘book-in-a-blanket’ (I’ll post a picture at some point to help you understand this concept – which she personally designed) This book has been dreadfully abused by my hands, it has fell apart, lost pages, repaired and utterly loved. I write in this near every day, stick in images and snippets of information. Random crap with no theme or focus…

…So, how is this related to my earlier thoughts?

By writing and going through old notes, my being able to have somewhere to mentally dump all my emotional baggage, my ideas and all the various plots and plans (which never come into being) has been a tremendous way to deal with everything. Even though the majority of subjects scattered throughout the book are hardly related, the process of writing has kept my mind focused on keeping going, instead of getting wrapped up on misplaced grief and suffocating in my own negativity.

Each time I have dipped I have leaned against a good friend or two, who have always kept me upright and prevented my from stumbling into doom and gloom, I would be lost without their support, for they have kept the Black Dog at bay…

… Then I have written, utter nonsense, but I have written!

And that my friends has been my answer, I have turned a corner today, the clouds have lifted and I feel I can move again, breathe again and focus. So maybe it’s time to actually write something beyond my garbled thoughts and create something more beautiful (or tragic) with my words…

 

Anne Harrison 12.05.16

 

 

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