Monday Morning Musings

Then suddenly it happened, exhausted with the constant drama, politics and depression awareness re-posts, the unspeakable happened. The mobile phone went away in the bag and instead of the never ending thread of scrolling-scrolling-scrolling I reached for a book and opened the too-long-closed pages and breathed life back into the words. My mind felt refreshed as I let go of social network, for a while at least. Its strangle hold upon my attention is diminishing as I feel the need to check updates slipping away in favor for the next chapter, am I just replacing one hunger for another? Or am I reading to expand my own spiraling thoughts? At least by reading I do not feel so many tumbling emotions, I’m not annoyed, frustrated, angry… This cocktail of negativity having lifted as I have withdrawn my attention from so much bull shit, looking back briefly as I have over the last few days, I become aware of this heat rising in my chest, like a mini tornado of emotions and cute pussy cats… Why do I subject myself to all this nonsense when reading helps?

It is not the only thing I have neglected recently for the sake of my own peace of mind. I have ceased to write in my pretty pretty green notebook with a rainbow unicorn design and such pretty pretty pages. I have left it at home since it was damaged in my bag, it has taken up resident within a crate of various notebooks, smash books, colouring books and a sewing bible, I brought with every intention of teaching myself to make my own clothes. Most of these pretty pretty books are crammed full of ideas, plots and plans, rules and regulations I self imposed upon myself for personal development and self improvement… Drowning Drowning Drowning… forever drowning in a whirlpool of my own ideas!

I paint such glorious images in my mind of how my life should appear to be should I actually implement any of these ideas, instead of writing the same to-do lists over and over again in different words, so I feel good about having a plan then get home and do nothing! Because I find myself so bewildered by how much I want to do, I find that I don’t have the energy to focus on any of them, nothing zip… Adding to the frustration already circling around my thoughts, numb without motivation, I start scrolling-scrolling-scrolling and here we go again…

So the phone is away, in my pocket, the book is at home, I’m a few chapters more into my book and the only list I have for today is a shopping list.

This feels like a huge turn around in a few days, already I’m sensing a few subtle changes… I cease to mentally torture myself if I miss my morning exercise routine, I listen to my body instead of forcing myself through glum moods, period pains, the illusive cold (which neither comes out in full or fucks off completely) and plain tiredness are all valid reasons to rest and I should be able to rest without guilt. In fact I feel better for doing so, I’m ready to face a 5am start with a fresh mind instead of a tortured soul…

All these elements feel as though they are related to this unending need to impose self restricting expectations upon myself in order to live a life that the media would conclude us to believe is normal and healthy, when I actually like biscuits and never see anyone in reality skip and dance through the streets as they do in adverts.

My health is important to me, this impact has been painfully enforced upon me by old photos of myself, horrific memories (which turn my soul cold) and the current illness of my own Mother, yet neither do I desire to live as a nutritional monk, sweeties are nice, chocolates taste good, cake is possibly my largest weakness and I also feel comfortable with the fact that I will never have the body of a 20 year old model, or a fitness fanatic. I’m starting to love my body as I feel healthier, even with it’s flaws and battle scars. My mind feels healthier as I release myself from my own fucking to-do lists and never ending reaching out for a life, which really isn’t my own. As such, I’m actually getting more done by actually doing stuff instead of constantly planning ahead to do stuff.

Maybe the answer is to just let go, breathe and do whatever feels right to do along side what you need to do to make the most of each day, whilst allowing yourself to relax and simply unplugging yourself from social networks, getting lost in the pages of a book, freeing your mind and writing your own path instead  of trying to follow others…

At least that appears to be working currently…

Anne Harrison 15.02.16

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