I am an Enigma to Myself

Each time I find a way to get my posts back onto the subject I created the blog for, albeit in the roundabout way of my rambling inner monologue, which frequently divides off into unintentional tangents, I find myself wanting to pour my heart out onto the screen.

It doesn’t really serve any purpose to do so as I don’t like to share this page on Facebook, this is my secret corner of cyberspace. As such I feel safe to write my thoughts, I have no fear of ridicule or judgement here and I do have a lot crowding my thoughts currently!

There is a lot said within that last paragraph, which speaks volumes without a word. For why do I fear ridicule or judgement from Facebook? I don’t know, I feel lost, lost within my own thoughts, lost within life, lost from my friends, from spirituality, from creativity, lost in time. Like my life is dangling in permanent limbo, while the days merge into weeks, weeks into months and all that time everything is on hold.

I feel suffocated within my mind, though I still maintain that I have beaten depression in my life and that I am not currently depressed, I am, however, desperately stressed, fearful and anxious. Which are vastly different from depression and all related to current events which are beyond my control, I want to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything better again or at least back to how everything used to be, a liquid sense of normality which has been lost in recent months.

I have so much on my mind, so much I want to say, but I can not begin to express any of it into words. I want to talk for hours over a slowly cooling coffee, collecting crumbs on a fork from something tasty that I should regret. To pour my heart out freely in regards to my Mother, my love, my stagnant ambitions, recent generosity and forthcoming adventures.  I’m swimming between despair and excitement yet I am silent. For recent outpourings have fell upon deaf ears and I feel as though I have hit a staggering brick wall, one I did not expect. So I write cryptic blogs, absent in any sense of direction, skirting around issues I want to address and, as is true in life, getting no where fast.

So I will keep my troubles to myself, play with words and return to the steady foundation of work. For I don’t know where to start, if I was to share anything anymore, fear of humbling rejection has made me mute.

TBC?

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Anne Harrison 25.01.16

 

 

 

 

 

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