This is a personal post, a diary entry if you like… off topic from the character theme I’ve been exploring this week.
Because I am not having a good day today, it’s taken me hours to get dressed and I feel the black dog snapping at my heels and I don’t know if I am strong enough to kick the bastard off, yet I know I need to stop him dragging me down to his level of wallowing meloncholy.
2016 started with my Mother being taken into hospital following a horrific seizure, I’ll skip the details, I wouldn’t want to bore anyone with what I witnessed nor how I felt. Possibly because I’m not sure how to put it into words, or even if I need to?
But I am reminded of her last seizure where events surrounding that affected me deeply. I can’t talk about that either!
So I get up early each day, I work full time, need to visit Mum, check on Dad, etc… etc… etc… My life has become a series of chores I need to do, with a spare hour or so for myself each day, where I am so exhausted and fuddled with brain fog, that I can’t even focus on a film.
I entitled this blog as ‘dealing with Depression after conquering depression’ because for all intent and purpose, I currently feel desperately depressed. Yet I do *not* suffer from depression, I have done in the past, spent 10+ years tangled in its violent grip of self destruction and misery. That is how I know I need to be careful today, I’m uninspired, non motivated, exhausted and just want to crawl back into my nest, so the weekend can fuck off, it can be Monday morning again, where I have loads to do and can escape my maudlin thoughts by keeping busy.
So how do I get through the weekend when I just want to disappear?
Trouble is, I don’t know how to relax, I’m happier when I’m busy, I don’t think too much when I’m busy and when I think too much I stumble into the jaws of that black dog, I’m thrown on the ground where I can either fight or be consumed… my head hurts, I’ve not drank enough water, I think writing this all down may help me conquer this hell…
I’m watching everyone mourn over deceased celebrities and my mind is dealing with my own Mother’s fragile mortality and I don’t know what to do, I feel lost within my own thoughts, I feel the need to be busy, Yet I crave for time to relax, hopefully putting this all into words may at least clear my rambling thoughts a little.
But I will not be dragged down again, I have defeated depression in my life, it may, from time to time, rise it’s ugly head and remind me what an utter bastard it is! That is why I can not allow it back into my life again. I have a lot of shit kicking off in my life, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, but it’s not a doorway into hopelessness…
I will allow myself this morning to wallow, then I refuse to waste any more of my life maudlin, for lost in gloomy thoughts is wasting life and I have too much to do. Depression is a decision (not my words, something I was told once) I have decided it can fuck off!
Anne Harrison 16.01.16