I’ve not written over the holidays, I find it tricky to type on the tablet and I’ve been lacking motivation. I feel as though I am in limbo, waiting for a new start to come, when in reality, every next living moment is a new start. Yet still I sit, watching that I have seen before, scrolling through posts, constant scrolling, pointless scrolling.
Occasionally I make notes, my notes are always plans, planning ahead for a moment that does not exist. I have had time to rest, time to think. I have solitude on New Years Eve, with no desire to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. Content in my own company, once again looking ahead.
2015 has been very kind to me, I have enjoyed many an adventure, made new friends, rediscovering old friends and experienced some astounding events.
Yet all this has come at the price of losing myself, by that, I mean I gave up who I was to become true to myself. I am reminded of a Lao Tzu quote: “When you let go of what you are, you become what you might be.” I never used to understand this, thought it was a load of happy clappy pretty shit, poetic words with a riddle.
I’m not yet ready to put into words how my life has changed, I can not express what is in my heart and haunts my thoughts. It’s not ready to be shared, not even by my own hand in my off line journals. I’m not sure it ever will be expressed, or even if it really needs to be?
I am different, yet I am the same, for the old me created the foundations of who I am now, without her, her past and her triumphs and disasters, I could not be who I am now.
Tomorrow is a New Year, a new day and just another Friday. I shall blog better once I’m back to work, where I can type easier, share more of my writings and a little of myself.
Until then my darlings, have a most gorgeous New Year… All the very best…
Anne Harrison 31.12.15